Have you ever noticed that things can be going along nice and smoothly for a while, and then suddenly something happens that just throws you off?
That happened to me last week.
Wakana has been gone for over a month now. She said she'd contact me when she gets back from Japan at the end of April. As the end of April approached, I was looking forward to hearing from her again, and I was thinking about her a little more as a result. I was feeling those feelings of loss all over again.
I've just finished that book Wakana wanted me to read.
My heart broke, and I cried. A lot.
Wakana recommended I read this book because, in her opinion, it was about us, and the woman and her feelings and beliefs in the book were what Wakana felt hers were.
I've never cried so hard before.
"As much as I want you and want to be with you and part of you, I can't tear myself away from the realness of my responsibilities. If you force me, physically or mentally, to go with you, as I said earlier, I cannot fight that. I don't have the strength, given my feelings for you. In spiteof what I said about not taking the road away from you, I'd go because of my own selfish wanting of you.
Last night I had an awesome chat on the phone with Mel, my friend back in Canberra. We spoke about Matrix: Reloaded (more on that soon) and also my 'love life'. I discussed events concerning Wakana and her boyfriend, and how they've moved to Christchurch now, and how I've felt about her and the situation.
I realised that I'm still very much in love with her (which is probably obvious), but I also realised that I haven't been doing much to move beyond my feelings for her. I've been feeling sorry for myself, and missing her, and keeping myself in that state where I'm in still hanging on. I'm in limbo, and I realised it last night.
Last night I said goodbye to Wakana. I came to realise that I couldn't continue having her in my life when every time she comes online to chat to me, she tells me how much she loves me and misses me. It wasn't very positive for allowing me to move on. Every time she told me those things, I would start to talk to her about how she could come back to me. It was stupid, 'cause she's not going to come back.
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