Alanz Eyes

Why haven’t I found…

December 19th, 2004 - Posted by Alan Howard

Someone asked me on a dating site today why I hadn't found that someone special yet.  My reply was….

Good question… why haven't I found someone special?

I think it's because I'm wanting to retain who I am. I have no desire to become what someone else wants. Most relationships are based on 'compromise', and while that's all well and good, I'm not one to compromise who I am and the life that's suitable for me. There's a common saying amongst many men when they talk about their partner - "she who must be obeyed".

Society itself suggests that men must chase after women in order to be loved, wanted, and appreciated. In some respects I blame feminism getting out of control, to the point where men are confused about how they should be acting, because they don't know what women want, and most of the time, neither do the women any more.

I've only started to be who I really am in the past year or so. Before then, I was one of those men who thought I should be something I wasn't, because that's what society told me I should be. I should go out of my way to do what makes the woman happy, and I should accept that it's 'the woman's prerogative' to make things difficult and not be questioned about her actions, and such.

When I started to realise that what was really important was to be myself and live MY life, rather than the life that others thought I should live, I started becoming happier. I've also started becoming more relaxed about myself and my life. If I end up being single for the rest of my life, at least I'm true to myself, and that's more important than being something I'm not, simply to cater to my insecure wants and needs. I've given them up though, and am secure in who I am.

The funny thing is though, that ever since I started being myself, I've had more 'luck' with women.

I've been in a couple long term relationships, and a few short ones, with the short ones being in the past 2 years. Right now I'm not needing to be with anyone, but I enjoy the company of someone who likes being with me.

There has to be a mutual appreciation in who I spend time with these days. An appreciation of being yourself, living your own life, not having to answer to another person's insecurities (eg. jealousy and need), and respecting the other person's rights to be who they are. It's about trust and acceptance. I will be loyal to the one who I love and want to 'keep', and if she can't accept that and still has issues of jealousy or insecurity, the relationship is not going to last. And that's the way it's been.

So in answer to your question, I HAVE found someone special. Me. Whoever I end up being with will appreciate that, and also believe that they themselves are special, so that we can relate to each other on a level that transcends petty insecurities.

Complex, aren't I. *smile* But I prefer to think of myself as being complicated by being very simplistic about life. I've only found Taoism in the past few weeks, but I 'kept it' because I realised I've been living these qualities for the past 10 years.

I thought I'd put it in here because it's a very good explanation of where I'm at right now.

Entry Filed under: Pre-2006