Polyamory
Polyamory, for those of you who don't know, is this:
Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultanously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is an umbrella term which integrates traditional mutipartner relationship terms with more evolved egalitarian terms. Polyamory embraces sexual equality and all sexual orientations towards an expanded circle of spousal intimacy and love. Polyamory is from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence "many loves" or Polyamory.
Why am I telling you this?
I believe in the polyamorous lifestyle. It feels right to me. I don't believe the heart and love should be restricted by the norms of society, where it is genarally demanded, socially, that we be 'serial monogamists'. We are allowed to love only one person at a time, and if we find that we love more than one, we are forced to make a choice between one or the other. We must love only one person after another; never are we allowed to love more than one at the same time.
Those who feel this is wrong reside on the perimeter of society, choosing 'alternative lifestyles'. Swinging, bisexuality, homosexuality, polyamory, etc, are all 'alternative lifestyles'. They are choices about the kind of lifestyle one wishes to be part of, and how one wishes to express their love or emotions. Many of these, being outside of what is considered 'normal', are frowned upon by more conservative elements of society.
Freedom, individuality and open-mindedness are qualities found in people who seem to naturally drift into open lifestyles. People who value restriction, security, control and tradition, are those who remain monogamous, continuing the restricted lifestyle choice of loving only one person at a time.
The fact that more marriages fail than what actually succeed seems to show that marriage, and monogamy, is fast becoming an outdated lifestyle choice.
Interestingly, I read that up to 80% of people in a monogamous relationship will have an affair behind their partner's back. They pretend to be monogamous, but really, they're unable to control their natural desires to share love or physical pleasure with people other than their partner. When so many people cheat on their partner, it becomes obvious that people are naturally inclined to NOT be loyal or devoted to one person.
The natural inclination is to experience love and pleasure with more than one person.
Jealousy and insecurity are major factors in maintaining control within a monogamous relationship. These negative feelings arise when one feels unworthy of their partner's love and attention, and they're afraid that any man or woman who comes into their partner's life could take their partner away from them, and as a result, they would be lonely once again. This loneliness is what people don't want, and so they will often go to great lengths to avoid being lonely. They will exert control on their partner, or submit to their partner's control.
Many relationships are unhappy relationships, existing only because they don't want to be alone, and they're afraid that if they leave their partner, they will be alone forever, that no one will want them. They are with an unloved partner because, ultimately, anything is better than nothing.
Those who cheat on their partner are those who are trying to find a connection with someone; a connection that they don't have in their current relationship. That can be emotionally or purely physical. When their misadventures are discovered or confessed to, the relationship often ends in misery for all concerned.
I think that relationships would be more stable, more loving, and more committed if people were able to feel comfortable about expressing their fears or desires openly and honestly. The only way this could be done is if it's understood that the expression of these things doesn't mean that the relationship is unsatisfying, or that it's on the verge of ending.
If people were more open about their desires, and given greater freedom in realising those desires, then there wouldn't be a need for dishonesty. There wouldn't be a need for cheating. There wouldn't be a need for 'affairs' and broken hearts.
Instead, people would be happier to express themselves, and to find OTHER fulfilling relationships outside of the one with their partner. It's about having multiple loving relationships, without any of them needing to suffer due to insecurity and jealousy.
That's the ideal. And it can be achieved, with communication, honesty, and openness. And a desire to be without restrictions.
Marriage does not need to be a bondage, a slavery, to one person. Marriage, and any relationship, can simply be about being able, and free, to express love to whoever you feel comfortable with.
Polyamory is about overcoming the insecurities and jealousies of this society, and moving forward with love and freedom. It's a lifestyle choice that I'm interested in exploring in the future, once my primary relationship is secure, and a lot more communication has taken place between Deidre and I. A lifetime of 'programming' about monogamy is not overcome overnight.
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Comments
Well said.
The question I have, is how do you get a girl to understand that love isn’t a finite resource? If I love her, and I love another person, it doesn’t mean I have to split up my love and dole it out in smaller and smaller portions.
Also, getting them to understand that its not because I want to sleep around! Its cos I want to develop multiple loving relationships at the same time.
Try to think about it from their point of view. If they’re insecure, then that influences their perception of what you’re talking about. If you say you want to share your love with others, they’re hearing that you’re not entirely happy with them. Their insecurity forces them to feel unworthy, and any discussion involving other men/women is filtered according to those feelings of unworthiness.
You can’t engage in multiple relationships or even discuss it with anyone who is insecure about their own self-worth, or the relationship they’re in.
If you WANT to engage in multiple relationships, you have to ask yourself why. Are you trying to reject society’s norms, to be a rebel? Have you found someone that you want to share your love with, as well as your current partner? Or is it just something that resonates with you as valid, based on your past experiences and what you want in your life?
If you just want to be a rebel, then your motivations aren’t necessarily about love, and will certainly cause problems for yourself with any current relationships. It would suggest your current relationship is unfulfilling, and you’re trying to find justification to enhance it in some way, without actually ending it.
If you have found someone that you want to share your love with, then you will need to discuss this with your current partner, and the potential ‘joint partner’. If you find any objection from either of them, you won’t be able to do it. Not everyone is going to be open-minded enough for this lifestyle choice, nor should they be.
What it comes down to is the sacrifice you’re willing to make. Are you willing to sacrifice a polyamorous lifestyle for a monogamous one, because you love her and don’t want to lose her, even with her insecurities? Or are you willing to sacrifice your current relationship in order to venture out alone, seeking someone who isn’t so insecure and who shares similar lifestyle attitudes?
You shouldn’t be searching for someone who wants to share your love with others. You should simply be searching for love. Ideally, whoever you end up with won’t be so insecure and closed minded that they’ll restrict your love, so that IF you fall in love with someone else, you can communicate with all concerned and come up with an effective relationship style that includes everyone.
Honesty in relationships starts with honesty in ourselves. We have to be with someone that shares our own attitudes and goals in life, and if we find that the person we’re with doesn’t actually share them, and those attitudes and goals are really important to us, then we have to make some important decisions about that relationship and our future.
Good luck finding the answers to your questions – only you can find what’s important to you. 
Thankyou for your advice Alan, but I think you may have misinterpreted me somewhat.
I certainly don’t do anything just to be a rebel. My life is already far too difficult for that kind of thing!
I adore my current girlfriend, and we are monogamous, and I am happy to stay mono for as long as it takes for her to feel secure. I would like her to feel secure for her sake more than my desire to flirt/date others.
In fact I ended several casual ‘flirtations’ and quasi-relationships to be with my current.
My desire is for her to feel secure so that she feels secure. I think over time she will feel better about our relationship, and my motives. I just feel vaguely insulted when girls assume that I only want to fuck other people, not love them. I don’t do the former if the latter isn’t involved, and when they don’t understand that, it makes me wonder why they think I am with them.
My current and I are compatible in almost every way, this being a major exception. Obviously this wouldn’t even be on my mind if it wasn’t for my affections for a third party. In the end though, my current means more to me than this other person, and so the boundaries of monogamy will stay in place.
That isn’t what bothers me… its the revelation that she thinks that I just want to fuck around, and that if I have affection for someone else, it means that I love her less.
I am honest to a fault, so that isn’t the problem, its just my inability to communicate my meaning.
I’m hearing you, and communication is one of the biggest and most challenging issues in all relationships.
A friend of mine lost his marriage because his wife couldn’t come to terms that he loved another woman, even though he still loved his wife and had no interest in leaving his wife. His honesty with his wife only caused her to become insecure and paranoid, and she believed only that his love for this other woman would mean their marriage would end because he wanted to be with the other woman.
His wife ended up reading his email, listening in on business phone calls, and doing everything she could to prove herself justified in her paranoia.
Eventually their marriage ended because the wife could not handle him having shared with her his feelings of affection for another woman, and she made her fears come true, that the marriage would end.
No amount of communication was good enough.
It makes me wonder if honesty is sometimes not the best policy, especially when it involves loving more than one person in this fanatically monogamous society. Maybe keeping it to yourself is a better idea.
Its usually the people who are not married, dont’ have kids and/or committments that require unconditional emotional support that resort to polyamorous lifestyles. It doesn’t work for many reasons, and yes many guys try and FAIL, if you don’t know why then you havn’t really looked at it seriously enough.
thanks for commenting, dude.
so you’re saying that those in polyamorous relationships are mostly without children?
And that a polyamorous relationship fails for a lot of people? And that’s why it’s a bad thing? So I guess the fact that monogamous relationships fail too, means that’s a bad thing?
all kinds of relationships fail, so what?
Lets find the stats and get together to see the results, I bet 1 million dollars that I will win hands down
All kinds of releationships fail, but its the people who try and keep them together that dont’.
Its easier to say than to show, so show me a successful polyamorous relationship (ie you!) and I will agree with you
well said – now if we could just convince more people of the validity of this concept!