Alanz Eyes

A new start

October 21st, 2006 - Posted by Alan Howard

Everything changes - including me. I’ve started this new blog because I’m changing. I’m growing, and in ways I never thought I would.

I recently realised that I’ve got a whole heap of issues from my past which I hadn’t dealt with, mainly because I never knew about them. I’ve had personality issues which resulted in me engaging in subtle acts of self-sabotage throughout my life, constantly ‘rebelling’ against perceived auuthority figures. These figures have included anyone who IS an authority figure, and anyone who takes on the role of an authority figure - including myself.

I’ve constantly been rebelling against what I ’should’ be doing. If I’ve heard a ’should’ from someone else or even in my own mind, I’ve sabotaged the results.

The methods of self-sabotage have included the following: forgetfulness, inefficiency, procrastination, sarcasm, anger and avoidance of responsibility. Along the way, I’ve become a master at making it seem like someone or something else is to blame when things go wrong because of what I’ve done.

It’s been subconscious. I’ve never consciously realised what I’m doing, and have even believed in my own excuses and blame games.

They’ve been with me ever since childhood, and have shadowed everything I do. It’s like a curse, but a curse I’ve given myself.

It’s been because of my childhood, having had my thoughts, feelings and opinions suppressed by over-controlling parents. As a result I’ve grown up with the feeling that there’s no point trying to succeed at anything, ’cause nothing I’ve wanted to do has been appreciated. I used to occasionally even be punished for wanting to do something that’s gone against what my parents wanted.

This kind of childhood programming has resulted in the inner child never growing up. Suppression has kept him in the same state, constantly rebelling against authority figures - particularly women within his intimate relationships - in MY intimate relationships.

It’s been a pattern in my life, and it’s come to a head recently. Thanks to Deidre’s love of me, and her patience and understanding, and her own isssues which give her that patience and understanding for mine, I’ve been able to find the support I’ve needed to start feeling safe to express myself, to stop rebelling, and to start taking responsibility for my own actions.

Taking responsibility for my actions has left me feeling shocked that I’ve managed to avoid responsibility for so long, and that I’ve blamed and hurt others along the way. It’s been a bit depressing, but what I’ve tried explaining to those friends of mine who have been concerned about it is that I’m depressed about the issue, not about my life. There’s a big difference.

I’ve become more aware of myself, and of how I react to things, and why I react that way. I’m doing what I can to change my reactions and understand why those reactions are occurring. I’m changing the negative aspects of myself into something more positive. It’s a struggle, I tell ya, but it’s rewarding.

My relationship with Deidre has improved, because she’s more aware and understanding of the issues I’m struggling with. She’s happy that I’m working on them and making an effort to improve my part of the relationship, and that I’m accepting responsibility for what I’m doing. She’s supporting me all the way through it, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

So this blog is a reflection of the changes that are occurring withing me. As I grow in these new and interesting ways, so is my writing. And so is the blog. I’ll talk a bit more about that in my next post.

I hope you’ll get something worthwhile out of my writings as well, even if it’s just an interesting journey for you to observe. Maybe along the way it’ll help you grow too.

Entry Filed under: Self Improvement