Inappropriate assumptions
January 26th, 2008 - Posted by Alan Howard
I 'met' someone recently on Facebook that turned out tonight to have a few issues with me. Apparently I was playing 'games' with them because I'm engaged and yet chatting with them (they're female), and I changed the picture in my profile. This apparently made them believe that I was trying to pretend to be someone else. Oh, and that I had three different message conversations with her over the past week.
1) They're not even a 'friend' of mine in Facebook, and instead they're just an 'application buddy'. Eg. we use the same application, therefore share a common interest, and started talking to each other. We hadn't gotten to the point where I might want to add them as a friend.
2) I thought anyone could change pictures in profiles? I didn't realise before that it meant you were playing games.
3) She had previously expressed concern that I would be talking to another woman while engaged. I mean, what?! Gimme a break. I know that a lot of people seem to think that once you have a partner, you should never talk to anyone of the opposite sex again. So tonight she accused me of playing games, 'cause I was talking to her (another woman) while engaged, and that I'd changed my profile picture. She felt I was trying to be a sleaze bag.
I ended up telling her that she obviously has issues of paranoia, and that it was a real shame we can't be friends. I suspect she's had issues in the past with guys cheating on her, or guys trying to come onto her, and she flipped out in a huge way.
It's a shame that some people can spoil a good thing before it even has the chance of becoming a good thing. They let past experience influence their current perception, and end up reacting completely inappropriately. It's usually a good idea to treat people as they are treating you, and to accept things for what they are. THINKING that they're doing something that they're actually not, is not a good idea.
If you have concerns, how about asking them about those concerns? Ask them what their intentions are, where they'd like to take things? Actually getting all the information can often be so much better than just acting on assumptions, and believing that those assumptions are facts.
How about you? Have you ever had anyone 'flip out' over something you said or did, but which was completely misunderstood or misinterpreted by them?
Entry Filed under: Relationships, Self Improvement
8 Responses to “Inappropriate assumptions”
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
I’ve been accused of ‘leading people on’, ‘being a c*ck tease’, being a ‘playa’ etc. Usually its all to do with other peoples assumptions about my ‘promiscuity’.
Its been interesting viewing peoples reactions to my flirtation or perceived flirtation from both sides of the gender binary. When they saw me as a woman who enjoyed sex, I was a c*ck tease if I didn’t want to have sex with THEM. As a bisexual I must want sex with anyone.
Now as a transsexual I am either an f*ck-object for fetishisation, or a deceiver, misleading people about my ‘true gender’. A lot of guys I had tried to make friends with were very upset when I started transitioning… cos I’d been thinking ‘buddy’, and they’d been thinking ‘potential girlfriend’.
Now that I am more often interpreted as a fag, I haven’t had the same number of problems. Men are less likely to interpret the exact same friendly behaviour I have always indulged in as ‘flirtation’ unless they are also a fag. Women are the same, cos they figure I’m a fag so of course I am nice to them.
It takes a lot of pressure off actually.
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
Biases, prejudices and racism and some of the worst traits of humanity. I can’t imagine what your life must be like, but I applaud you for being true to yourself.
Just remember, whenever someone tries to ridicule you for being who you are, they’re just showing how fearful they are of what they don’t understand, and how small they really are.
People try to disguise their weaknesses and insecurities with rejection, overconfidence, abuse or violence. They’re unable to deal with what they don’t understand, so they lash out or run away.
Avoid them where you can, and pity them for their fears. If you react to them the same way they react to you, then you become just like them, and you’re better than that.
All the best.
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
Thanks AlanzEyes
Now that I am sure of myself I rarely encounter true discrimination. If you seem weak, then those afraid of you will attack.
If you seem strong, they have to get a big enough mob together first… and in Canberra people are too laid back to mob the local ogre.
My life is actually pretty good… I am free to be myself in a way that most people never come close to, because most people never have the blessing of being put in a position where it is impossible to ignore the constructed nature of society.
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
BTW My references to monstrosity, being an ogre/gargoyle/werewolf are all meant in the purely symbolic abstract sense.
I am interested in the idea of monster-gender.
I don’t actually look much like an ogre. In fact, I’m a faggy little boy in rather generic geek-wear most of the time.
I thought I would clarify since you probably aren’t familiar with monster trans talk.
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
You’re right, I’m unfamiliar with the terminology…
You live in a world I can never know or understand, and I’m reminded of a post I wrote a few years ago - My reality.
Keep on doing what you’re doing, but when you write in your blog, keep in mind that you are educating those that know nothing. If you write with anger, you can turn people off. If you write with the idea that you are helping people understand you and others like you, it can change the entire tone and theme of your blog.
People will turn away from anger, but will seek education. Try to make your articles and insights amusing, enlightening, etc. Give them a glimpse into your reality without being angry that they don’t know what it’s like. Their reality can never be known to anyone else, just like yours can’t. But we can try to share glimpses into it, and sometimes that can be enough.
I do acknowledge that you’re already aware of this.
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
My blog isn’t actually for those that ‘know nothing’. Its for people that already have a grasp of basic feminism and gender theory. Many of the ideas I explore and express on my blog are extremely advanced, and people usually need quite a lot of background before they would necessarily understand them.
My blog really isn’t very angry. Its really not. I just took a look at my first page, and wondered what you thought was angry about it?
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
Just a general feeling I’ve gotten from various posts I’ve seen on your blog.
Posted: Jul 1st, 2008 at
Ok, I find that interesting.
Its hard not to be angry at times, but I would probably consider my blog to be more defiant than angry.
I recommend you steer clear of renegade evolution, burning words, or fetch me my axe, if you find me angry! 
Its all a matter of degree, ain’t it?
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