Growing out of passive aggression

Good for you. I don’t think it’s so much a matter of not being able to fix it, as not admitting there’s a problem in the first place. It sounds like you have the biggest part of the problem whipped. I think it’s really a matter of making changes like you would to any part of your life you choose to focus on. Good luck to you. I’ll be checking in on you now and then. It sounds like you’re in a good place. (Sorry about the girlfriend).

I think that you are a spot on with this assessment.

I lived my life largely for other people. I would do what they wanted, but passively sabotage my life so that I could go ‘See, you wanted me to do that, and look how it turned out!’. It was around my 21st birthday that I took responsibility for my own actions and started to take charge of my life.
It was another 6 months or so before I realised that I was still being passive aggressive in some realms of my life.

For the past 12-18 months I have been making a concerted effort to eliminate passive aggressive behaviours, and have largely succeeded. Sometimes I slip up, but most of the time I’m ok. Usually when I slip up its in an interaction with someone else who is also passive aggressive, and so I see that is an area that requires more work.
I could blame them… or I could rise above that, and be an adult about it.

(Oh, and nice new blog layout, btw)

Hi Alan

Expressing your anger a lot more directly is also a good way of empowering yourself. Becoming aware of when you are angry and how your anger is trying to serve you enables you to use it wisely.

Passive aggression comes from having your anger condemned over and over, usually by those you looked up to as a child. Anger is a wonderful emotion when used well. It is the emotion that allows us to transform the world around us and make a difference.

Saying that anger is bad is saying that your primal urges are bad. They are not. How these urges are used could be bad or good. Sometimes you should be angry about things and circumstances because they need to be changed. Anger is the emotion of transformation. Channeled well it is a wonderful thing.

When something makes you angry, try asking yourself “How can I express my anger in the most loving way possible?” Make it a mantra and keep asking and asking until you are able to act in a way that helps you to evolve the situation beyond what it currently is.

This process is not easy but it beats expressing the anger without editing it and possibly doing things you may regret. It beats holding the anger down and making yourself sick. It beats expressing the anger in sneaky and destructive ways, passively aggressively.

Over time this simple technique will enable you to reown some of your most basic primal needs and act with integrity and leadership. You will make mistakes and it will be tough but the rewards are indescribable. In the end it gives you a sense of self ownership instead of feeling manipulated by people and situations.

Simply asking yourself honestly how you can honour your anger and others and the situation will take you out the victim mentality that says you can only express, repress or suppress your anger. You can evolve your anger by diligently wondering how and trying out what comes to you.

Good luck.

Peter

Hi Alan,

It is nice to read your blog. I came across the term “passive-aggressive” a few years ago by chance. I’ve read quite a lot about it ever since. There were some people in my life who were passive-aggressive but I didn’t know then that they were.

I felt sad when I read that passive-aggressives can never change because I do wish that the ones I know would realize their behaviour and how much it destroys their lifes and relationships and would change for their own good. I feel happy to read that you are able to make a decision to change for the good of yourself and for your own happiness. All the best to you.

Shueh Leigh

Hello Shueh, thank you for commenting here. I also feel sad when I think about all those passive aggressive (PA) people who don’t want to change, and instead prefer thinking that it’s everyone else who has the problem.

But all I can do is work on changing myself, instead of trying to change others. I think it’s all any of us can do.

I hope you enjoy reading my articles and posts.

I think the problem arises when the PA people don’t realize that they are one. Usually they don’t see their behaviour as a problem but in actual fact they hurt a lot of people in their lives especially those who really care for them and are close to them. Without realizing that they are PA, they wouldn’t make the effort to change. Some do realize it but won’t do anything to change. Some may want to change but are too weak to make the change. So it all depends on the person. I am glad to know you took a positive step to change.

I think there is a passive-aggressive in all of us occasionally but when we repeatedly do it and it becomes a pattern that hurt others, it is a course for concern and it should be addressed. Actually besides hurting others, PAs hurt themselves the most.

It is good that you are listening to people and accepting what they say and not get defensive with them. That is a very big step to take. I always believe that it is only our true friends who would be honest with us and tell us if we have a problem. It’s good to have such friends.

There will always be a sadness in me because of my experiences with PAs. Even though I don’t know you personally, I sincerely wish you a good life ahead and hope that your next relationship will work out great (”,)

Shueh, you’re absolutely right. Everyone has PA traits throughout their life, but for some it becomes quite debilitating, and yes, they often don’t even realise it.

I’d be interested in knowing your own experiences with PAs, and you’re welcome to email me about it. Thanks!

I am also PA–matter of fact my wife say’s I so good that it should be my full time job and I should get paid for it–for I am a master..I try to keep reading about it –my wife points it out to me –but I am still having a very hard time controling it and it is destroying my marage. But what I realize now why it is getting harder (or is it just another good excuse) my wifes anger is now greater than mine because of what I have done to the relationship-so when we try to have conversation it turns into a fight I try to fight her nasty angry comments but then my anger kicks in and guess what–I have more need to go to real job

Hi John. Welcome to the site and thanks for your comments!

I know how difficult it is to avoid conflict. There’s so much anger in us PA’s, we ARE conflict. It’s in everything we feel, and everything we do. How can we avoid it, when that’s all we are?

We have to realise that in every conflict we’re part of, we’re always the cause. Really. I know that’s probably hard for you to accept, but being passive aggressive is all about denying our responsibilities. It’s about blaming others.

We HAVE to look inside, accept our own part in the conflicts we’re part of. We have to understand what’s going on inside of ourselves in order to move on from it.

We have to heal the anger inside of us, and we can’t do that by continuing to blame those we’re closest to for our issues.

I wish you the best in healing, John. Please feel free to contact me by email if you wish to discuss this further. I’d be happy and honoured to be of assistance.

Thanks for the response Alan,

I finally found someone I can talk to thats just like me, I have a very dear and close friend who I try to talk to but he sometimes thinks I’m talking a foriegn language.Anyway I do realize that the anger is a big issue in fighting this-but it seems like everytime I put it in the closet-my wife will put some demand on me–not asking me to do –demand–and guess what happens–the anger kicks in and all begins again. I will be talking to you some more–need to get to work Thanks

Hi Alan, I have not visited your blog for months. Yes, I’d like to share my experiences with a PA and will email you soon. I hope to get some understanding of why a PA reacts the way they do. Thanks!

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This is a fantastic read. I am young, engaged, I have a great job, and a great future ahead of me if I want it… yet my own worst enemy comes back to has come back to haunt me recently. A very important person in my life, who has been a huge part of my life from almost the beginning, has always told me I need to be responsible for my own actions, and that I need to be my hardest critic. It wasn’t until a conversation I had with my fiancé recently that I realised how true those words were. Saying I love you isn’t a get out of jail free card in a relationship, and the saying “actions speak louder than words” really is what it means.

My relationship with my fiancé has been on the rocks for the last couple of months, basically because I have tried to sabotage our relationship, by feeling that my fiancé is working against me and not with me, I have become more and more recluse and defensive in our relationship, internally blaming him. Logically, I know he isn’t working against me, I know that that has never been an intention, but it gave me a reason for feel the way I have.

We have realised that we both have little respect for each other, and he pointed out a few hard truths, which really hit home. In the end, instead of being defensive, I took what he said, I cried about it – because it was hard to hear and it hurt, I wrote about it and now I feel like I can build on that, slowly but surely. I know it’s going to be a long road ahead, but I want this work. I want this to work not only for my relationship, my career, but most importantly for myself. Being your own worst enemy is exhausting.

Only wish I’d found this sooner, but then again finding it now is pretty validating. THANK YOU for writing this blog.
My marriage to a passive aggressive husband has ended. He just left for the last time this morning. I think,essentially, he was missing the one ingredient you’ve identified-a willingness to change and take action. We’d identified his behavior, labeled it, organized it and all but alphabetized it and instead of seeking ways to change he sought ways to get out of the relationship, to sabotage himself, our marriage, his many jobs, his education, his health, my self-esteem, friendships, and the very real love I was offering.
I woke up one day simply hating myself and all of the optimism had drained out of me. I couldn’t carry the torch anymore and I began to see the impact of my resentment on his already fragile self-esteem. We both decided that will still loved and respected each other enough to cut our losses and let go. I offered that he may have a better chance of healing and having the good life he deserves outside of the context of a marriage. He agreed. I suggested that marriage may be too much responsibility for him, too much expectation and too much room for him to feel the need to retaliate passive-aggressively; he agreed. I had to say all the words and do most of the work and all but tell him to go. I’m only sorry it got to this point Well, actually, I’m devastated that he didn’t love me or himself enough to want to take the next step and ‘do’ the work, he’d only gotten to the point of identifying himself as a PA and by that point, now, I, sadly, had run out of the compassion, self-worth, energy, and hope to be there and work with him. I couldn’t let his illness destroy both of us and perhaps, as a small consolation he allowed me that with some of things he said and the way he left.
I will continue to study this disorder because I have lots of healing to do and still need tremendous validation. (I fully own my part as the co-dependent, obsessive and controlling spouse who then grew to be independent and forgiving which only made him ‘worse’. The no-win catch 22 of loving a PA)
Well, that’s my story.

Thank you for sharing your story, Elizabeth. I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain to get to where you are, but I hope you can begin to find your own healing as you move on from this point.

One of the greatest challenges a passive-aggressive (PA) person has is in admitting that they love someone, and doing what they need to do to maintain that love. Your (now) ex-husband probably loved you very much, but was unable to communicate it in a way that was loving. He didn’t know any better, and was unwilling to admit he might be wrong in his attitudes and actions.

That’s the worst part of a PA person: they are unable to accept they might be at fault. As a result, the love that they have for someone dear to them is pushed aside in their own indignant defence.

I feel for you and what you’ve lost, because I’ve been on the other side, being the one who has pushed away and lost those I’ve loved.

Thank you again for sharing. Please feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss further. All the best to you.

Thank you for responding. I’m still incredibly conflicted about the way things have ‘ended’ but I talked with him tonight as he was nearing his parents house (a 1,500 mile drive alone which I couldn’t imagine doing under the circumstances, oddly enough he drove ‘home’ in two days but it took him 3 days to drive down to me; we’d been separated before this move); anyway talking with him tonight our mutual respect is still intact and that’s somehow helpful. I asked him again if he knew and understood how I never wished him any ill-will, pain or harm, ever. And he said ‘yes’ that’s always been very clear to him and as you’ve suggested , people with Passive Aggression don’t intentionally mean to harm the people they love. I can rationalize that…it still hurts and I know he hurts too, amazing, isn’t it?
So I still haven’t let him go and I’m not sure that I ever will simply because of our ability to talk about it. At the end of the day I just feel it’s unfair that a disorder can rob people of the joy and love they deserve.
He said he envisions himself growing to be a “crotchety old man who flips off little kids”, hahahaha. He also said that we may get together when we’re old and gray and “life doesn’t matter any more”, interesting.
I’m sure there’s more to come.

Hi Alan. I’ve just finally put a name to the marriage-destroying behaviour of my husband, for the last 29 years. I fully own my part in accepting and even triggering episodes of it, and I feel such peace that the confused insanity I’ve been living in for nearly 3 decades has a reason! I also refuse to believe that it is a life sentence – I truly believe that we humans can change anything about ourselves that we choose to change. The awareness has to be there of course, and then the desire to change, and not be trapped by the self-sabotaging little voice. My husband and I have been to half a dozen counsellors over the years, partly to deal with the alcohol addication he also has, but I knew in my heart there was something else underlying it all, and this is it… And he has played cat-and-mouse games with the counsellors, daring them to help him, never openly stated of course, but all the same, either he has stopped doing the work when they challenge his behaviour, or they have outright said they can’t help him.

Like Elizabeth, I do the bridge building and the communicating and he builds the roadblocks, always denying and defending. I know I probably could have communicated better, with less implied blame and so on – but we do the best we can, and I know he’s doing the best he can as well.

But when I found the PA description on another site a few days ago I felt the most enormous weight lift off me, and I cried because at last I understood. I’ve probably fallen into some PA patterns myself though I work on change constantly.

The sand-shifting-under-my-feet feeling has been with me almost our entire marriage, and there have been times I really thought I was crazy, when he’d say one thing, do another, and then deny he’d ever said the first thing and make statements about my ability to perceive and understand. I am a college graduate, not dumb, but often felt nuts!!

Anyway, I also think I can’t do anything more in this relationship, the kids are grown and now it’s time to move on. Very painful to contemplate and I revile myself for not having the strength to do it earlier, but it is what it is.

I applaud you though for your awareness and your willingness to take charge of your life and do what you need to do. And for posting this, so openly. Thank you.

To Sandy and Elizabeth.

I understand what you may have gone through although it seems like you both gave up as soon as you figured out the problem in your marriages. The first step in treating/curing PA behavior is to accept it’s there. Do you think being with your husbands and supporting them through the healing process would have been possible? I ask because it seems like you establish PA as an incurable disease since upon discovery you kind of gave up.