I’m an academic cynic who dislikes authority, who recently overcame extreme arachnophobia, because my need not harm a huntsman spider was more important. Enjoy talking with others more than anything else in the world, but have a constant fear of rejection and some seperation anxiety (My father left when i was 2). Tied into this, my most crippling trait is a level of social anxiety, where I’m at times, almost pathologically afraid of ‘looking silly’. (Either the cause of, or because of being bullied as a child – ironic as I could now probably lift the bullies up by the ankles with one hand . I have a tendency at times to be ‘people pleasing’. It would appear i’m naturally good at programming/mathematics/academia, but the most enjoyable aspect of work for me is meetings (weird, i know). I’m frequently empathic and rapidly comes to appreciate and believe in the viewpoints of those I’m around, although I’ll frequently argue, purely for the emotional response. (I’m not ‘passionate’ about anything, so I have no underlying reason to argue). I prefer control and as a child I had temper issues related to this, this is simply a defense mechanism however, as is my desire for sureity and security, probably also born of my father leaving when I was young. Ironically, many of my traits are caused by, but lead towards my greatest fear, which is of being alone/outcast.

Different results are due to imprecise questions in my view, I can often see what the question is ‘trying’ to ask, but the terminology/wording doesn’t match the way i think (or my answer is “yes, but” for many questions). So I give the same answers to the same questions, but the same question asked in different wording (in another test) may well prompt a different answer, as it may match more closely with my personality. (I’m very much a behavioural scientist when it comes to Psych, I’d prefer unbiased external measurements)

Introversion/Extroversion questions are a perfect example, as you mentioned on the other post, Introverts should gain energy from being alone, which is patently not true in my case.

eg. When with a group of people, once past the shyness stage, I’m the loudest and most frequent talker, I have heaps of energy and always want to be ‘doing’ things. When by myself, I tend to either do nothing or click mindlessly on endless websites.

but the tests attempt to determine this by asking questions that may be affected by other variables.

ie…

I haven’t been to many parties because of a lack of invites, not a lack of desire! but the test doesn’t capture that. Tests ask if i enjoy reading, yes, but only on the train or in the hours between going to bed and sleeping when there is nothing else to do!

Many of the ‘Do you do this’ type questions asking about solitary pursuits I answer ‘yes’ to, not because I would prefer to be doing those, but because I get rapidly bored and there are no other choices!

Interestingly I often saw my shyness as introversion and tried to surround myself with solitary interests, only to discover that that in no way made me happy, so I tried another approach, challenging myself to beat my shyness, step by step, through which i have definately improved my perceived quality of life.

But thank you for such a response, I appreciate the time you’ve taken to write it.

“Would you fall out of love with someone who was unable or unwilling to have sex with you” — my definition of ’sex’ there includes kissing/cuddling etc, and yes, if thats not happening, then i don’t see what the difference is between that relationship and those with my other close friends or with my family. If love consists of Sex, Compassion, Generosity, Trust,Caring & Connection.. then I have all of those but sex with many people in my life.

This is where perhaps, it is the words and definitions that fail, Love can be defined to mean sexual love, or familial love, or love in friendship, among many other meanings. Therefore ‘polyamoury’, if not about sex, is either not a ‘meaningful’ concept to me, or it applies to almost everyone. Is this not what a ‘Platonic’ relationship is?

I think that even if one was in a relationship where both people claimed to be ok with polyamoury, there is a chance that one of them is lying to keep the other person in their life, even though they are being hurt by the situation. I personally could never risk causing distress to someone I love purely for sex (with reference to the paragraphs above).

I have met a number of people in ‘open relationships’, and, it might seem judgemental, but many of those people have either had a clear ‘I must be different to everyone else’ mentality, which, to put on my Freudian hat, probably stems from some inner distress, or have been desperately unhappy people trying to change everything around them in the hope that will make them happier (Which, in my world view, is doomed to failure as happiness is internal). [To be DEEPLY politically incorrect and probably alienate 93% of the known universe, this is my view on homosexuality as well] . I suspect there is a greater than random intersection between the sets of Borderline personality spectrum disorders and people in open relationships

There is also the trade-of to be considered, were you in love with someone spectacular, would you risk the possibility of losing them?, It seems akin to gambling, religion, drinking or drug taking. Born of a lack of satisfaction with what one already has.

I actually disagree about personality types and values, I’m a strong believer that we are in fact all more similar than most people believe and that the apparent differences are just the filter of our experiences and our learned inner monologue. (Hence the success of Discoursive therapy techniques, Hypnosis, NLP…) I think anybody can ‘reprogram’ themselves to be any ‘personality type’ they choose by merely changing the wording of their interior recording. I have always felt that I can ‘convince myself’ of the merits of any morality or viewpoint and then take that as my own, with concious choice. (To use the unscientific process of introspection )

Which might be why i get a different answer everytime I do a myers briggs test

Although my nature of playing devils advocate (translation : argumentative b*******) belies it sometimes, I like to surround myself with people of vastly different personality types and values, how else I am I to add new material to my life?

— What you pretend to be for long enough, you will become.

I suspect you don’t get what polyamory is. You don’t love one person one day, and then the other person the next day, and then the previous person the following day… You love each person equally, and could very well spend your time with all of them at the same time, rather than one after another. Your holidays would not then be spent with one person after another, but with all of them equally. Of course, that’s just one way of managing such a relationship; there are many ways, and spending time with each of them, one after the other, could certainly be a valid relationship method.

Being a programmer as you are, I can understand why you see the world in terms of variables with which you need to predict and manage. I can imagine how you might feel when you have variables you can’t predict. You would probably feel overwhelmed and out of control. Such open relationships probably wouldn’t be good for someone of your personality type.

Which leads me back to my earlier realisation that INTP’s seem suited for polyamorous relationships. Being more perceptive than judgemental seems to allow for a much more open acceptance of variables than someone who judges. I find that with a lot of judgemental people, where they categorise and classify, and are usually very rigid in their adherence to categorised values.

You don’t need sex to love someone, but you make it seem that without sex, you’re just friends. Can you not love without sex? Is it actually that important to you? Would you fall out of love with someone who was unable or unwilling to have sex with you? That’s a shame. But then, I’ve also become aware that other judgemental people in my life have conditions attached to their love….

I find personality types and values fascinating. It makes it clear to me that we’re all different, and yet, if we want to be with people who share our values, we need to be with people who fit our own personality types and values.

I’m not sure how children, shared mortgages and financial/leave considerations, like shared holidays work into this, at the least, you aren’t going to get to have as many leave days with your partner if you are also spending some with somebody else.

I guess I also don’t believe in any emotion that exists outside of our inner monologue (I’m a very ‘NLP’ person, a viewpoint which my psych study reinforced), The concept of being ‘committed to love’ doesn’t really resonate with me, My worldview runs more around individual tangible actions and interactions rather than any grand ideals. (You could perhaps call me a cynic).

Those who run from one partner to another may well have commitment issues, I’ve always felt you should be completely separated from your last relationship, physically and emotionally before even thinking about starting a new one, at least that’s my approach to life.

I’ve never really seen Monogamous relationships are ‘complicated’, sure they might not work out, but interactions between people are really fairly basic, most people do act in predictable ways, Other people really are the only ‘unknown variables’, which makes it much harder to predict…. (Can you tell I’m a programmer?).

I’m not quite sure why anyone would ‘Want’ to manage additional complexity around their love life.. I don’t like anything that has to be ‘managed’. I’m also totally risk-adverse (I’d never place a bet, on anything) and in my mind, Polyamoury raises the risk of unwanted consequences (when practiced by either party)

Again, others are welcome to do whatever they want on this world, I don’t follow any political view strongly, I don’t believe in any religion and I generally have no allegiance to any ‘establishment’ or traditional viewpoints, so I’d never have a problem with somebody else doing as they choose (Although i might counsel them against the potential for jealousy, distress and heartache).

It just doesn’t fit into my desires for my life, and why do anything you don’t want to do?

I think a lot of people also confuse love and lust perhaps more than they should. Perhaps I’m unusual in that sex simply isn’t that important to me, its fun, sure and I enjoy it a lot, But its just not that important. Without the sexual component, aren’t you just being friends?

I would have thought that those who run to one partner after another have more of a commitment issue than those who decide to share their love with those that they feel like it, working on all the communication issues that arise.

I can imagine that it would be much harder to ‘manage’ a multi-person relationship than a single-person (eg. one other person) relationship, so there would need to be a far greater sense of commitment to LOVE than what might be seen in a monogamous relationship.

But your statement is quite significant, that you feel polyamoury would be complicated, and you wanted to avoid complications.

I guess monogamous relationships aren’t that complicated either?

Hm.

When you said that you would feel ‘unvalued’ if someone didn’t feel jealous that you might express feelings for someone else, I guess that means you would feel exactly the same way if they expressed feelings for someone else too.

What would it mean to you if they wanted to love you AND someone else?

Its Ryan, formerly ‘The Common Ryan’ of Cheerful Megalomaniac and now radicalyffe on Twitter and Wordpress.

Long time no see!

Hope you are well.

And this isn’t because of any ‘Western Standard’, But rather my own understanding of my reactions and what makes me happy, I couldn’t care less about social rules and titles (thats all a bit complicated for me anyway, I prefer to cut directly to the chase and avoid the structured rules).

I think while _some_ people truely do believe in and want a polyamorous relationship, many (not all) who would practise it, in fact just have committment issues, or want to ‘Have their cake and eat it too’. I’ve never really had a problem with temptation of any kind, which i suspect is not entirely true of many ‘polyamourous’ individuals.

I’ve never been a ‘grass is greener’ person, And I actively dislike ‘complications’ (I like to understand exactly where I stand from one moment to the next), Which its quite possible Polyamoury would deliver in spades. I would feel unvalued if somebody I was dating, or in fact, had dated, didn’t feel jealous if I expressed feelings for somebody else. I guess that means we’ll never be competing for the same girl

What you term ‘Ownership’, I guess i’d term ‘Value, Identity, Sharing, Security, belonging’, probably a technicality..

(quick Test says i’m INTJ by the way)