Dominance and submission
I’ve recently met a woman who wanted to be dominated, and she thought I would be a good candidate for that. I agreed with her.
How’s that for an intro? 
As this blog is about my life, I, of course, wanted to write about it, but I’ve had some difficulty with going about it. I thought about creating an anonymous blog because I was uncertain how I could talk about something like this without getting myself ostracised by my readers and some of my friends.
But then I realised I care too much about what others think…
I’ve talked about sex quite a lot in the past, and I’ve talked about alternative sexual practices and concepts. So what else is new, right? After all, that’s what this blog seems to be all about!
And I know for a fact that some of my regular visitors are only here for the ‘juicy bits’, and they’ve been waiting a long time since I last talked about something juicy.
So let’s get into it.
The last time I experienced something like ‘dominance / submission’ was back when I was going out with Venus, in 2001. She was into B&D (bondage & discipline), and she introduced me to all the things that she liked to have done to her. She wasn’t exactly submissive, but she certainly did enjoy all the things that went with B&D. I had some of the most incredible sex of my life, and I always knew it was because of what we did together. I’ve been looking for something like that ever since.
Six years before her I dated a woman named Cherie who, I realise now, was definitely very submissive. As I re-read that post describing my experiences with her, and what she was like, I understand now what kind of person she really was.
I loved the submission – but I didn’t love the lack of intelligent conversation. That’s always been something that’s important to me, and has never changed.
In 2005 I wrote a post I called Respect. It was about my experiences with Asian women. In it, I wrote:
…I was more interested in being with an asian woman than a western woman. The main reason for this was that throughout the relationships I’d had and the things that I’d learnt, what stuck out was that asian women respect what their men do for them, something that in my experience most western women do not. I learnt that what many westerners see as asian submissiveness is actually misunderstood by them, and is instead respect and appreciation for someone who cares for them.
“You fool,” I tell myself now; “They were right – it IS submissiveness!” (But it was also respect and appreciation for what a reliable man brings into their life.)
All this time I’ve been fooling myself. And why? Because I didn’t want to think of myself as a man wanting a submissive woman. It made me feel weak, because of today’s social stereotypes about men and women. Women say they want equality, and they don’t want to be dominated. I listened to them, and I ‘lost my way’.
When I was reading back over my post about Cherie, I realised that while I was an arsehole back in 1995, I was also the ‘dominant’ partner in that relationship. I was just too much of an arsehole to secure the relationship, and instead I ran in fear. I recognise now that, to an extent, I’ve been running in fear ever since.
I was horrified at how I treated her. I could have handled it very differently, but I didn’t. As a result of my ‘horror’, I went completely the other way. I stopped being dominant, in order to be a woman-pleaser. I became a wimp, all because I didn’t like how I treated Cherie. I didn’t become submissive myself, but I certainly was no longer as confident with women as I felt at that time.
After Cherie, I had a 5 year drought, where I couldn’t hold a woman’s attention for more than 2 dates. It was shocking! It wasn’t until 1999 that I was able to develop a relationship with a woman, and I know it was because I started acting confident again, taking charge of the situation that developed so that it led into a relationship.
I’ve never had a problem developing relationships with women since then. I think it took me that 5 years of ’struggle’ with dating to find some kind of balance between wimpiness and dominance, and to sit in that space I thought society wanted me to be.
But then I got angry.
Passive aggression really started to become an issue in my relationships from about 2001 onwards, but I wasn’t aware of the issues as being all about me. That’s what passive aggression does to you, it makes you think it’s everyone else with the problem. When I became aware of it in 2006, I traced it back to my childhood, of course, as that’s where most passive aggression disorders develop.
So I’ve been working through passive aggression since then, and starting to come to terms with the various anger issues in my life only in the past few months. I’m only now starting to realise where that anger was truly coming from.
I was suppressing my instincts. In order to try and be what society wanted me to be, in order to fit in and be accepted, I was ignoring who I really was.
Most of the arguments in my intimate relationships were a result of my partners struggling for dominance with me. In my attempts to be ‘equal’, I was choosing women who were just like me.
No relationship can survive when everyone in it wants to be the dominant one, the ‘leader’, the one in control. They become like two bulls butting horns, struggling for control, neither of them willing to become submissive. When two two dominant people butt heads in a relationship, submission is rarely the result. What happens is that the relationship ends, because they cannot get their needs met.
I’m actually a little disturbed by the thought that I, as a bull, have been trying to partner with other bulls… Figuratively speaking, of course. 
There are dominant women out there, and there are submissive women. There are dominant men, and there are submissive men. A dominant man needs a submissive woman, while a dominant woman needs a submissive man.
This is just the natural order of things.
Also, a woman can be dominant at work, while submissive at home, or even dominant at home (if she has a submissive partner) while being submissive at work… It’s all about the natural balance of relationships.
I’m realising I’ve been disturbing my natural balance.
Well, times are a-changin’ for me yet again. It’s time I started embracing my natural self and become that damned bull again. And I need to stop looking for other ‘bulls’ to be with! I’m so very, very tired of butting heads….
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Comments
Hey, thanks for commenting, Chislut. I really appreciate your thoughts on this.
One thing I’ve been learning about all this is that submissives make a choice about who they’re going to be submissive to, and what they want from it. I certainly understand and appreciate that.
I agree that western society has taught women to be dominant, which leaves men to be submissive if any relationship with the dominant woman is going to work. Throughout the years, where I’ve seen men being submissive, I’ve always felt it’s ‘wrong’, and I wanted them to ‘grow a pair’, or simply be the men they were born to be. But I know now that they were just trying to ‘fit in’ with a woman that was more dominant than them, and that’s fine.
This post is really about my exploration into a deeper understanding of how relationships work, and how I’d like mine to work. How any future relationship works, however, is always going to be a result of her and I simply working it out between us, however it might be. Me wanting to be dominant is NOT the same as me wanting to override her own wishes, desires and needs.
But she’s definitely not going to be a ‘bull’.
You are not surprised that I will comment.
The culture of the dominant-submissive is an anathema.
Rather the genetic imperative is that you be the leader.
Leadership appears to confer power but it is actually a responsibility.
Leadership makes you no better…and no worse.
Aberrations to understanding the natural order cause all the distortions.
I may be called a sexist. I am a realist.
Hahaha! No, Greg, I’m not surprised you commented. I know that in religion it’s always been the man’s responsibility to lead the relationship and the family, and I think that’s historically that’s been true too, whether it’s a religious concept or just social. I think it’s a shame that feminism has created such confusion, where men – and women – have lost touch with their masculine and feminine selves in order to try and comform with what they think has been expected of them.
Thanks for this article, I am in university studying business and law and although i have always had a bossy exterior i have never really been that way personally. In fact when i have gotten close to a relationship it has been with really submissive guys. The type that literally curl at your feet like a puppy. Creeps me out. When it comes to that personal area, eg a relationship and sex i would be looking for that dominance over me but under no circumstances would i want to be controlled or the type of submissiveness where I am only there as an object as his. I’m glad to see that you do think that there can be fair balances, dominant and work and submissive at home.
A woman could easily be the breadwinner of a household and still be the submissive one in the relationship. Its about inner security and and if that’s how people feel safe then good for them also
hi Submissive Girl, and thanks for commenting. Although, from your comment, are you really that submissive? You’ve chosen guys who are submissive, who have let you be the dominant one, so even though you say it creeps you out, you’re still the one that’s chosen the gys. Maybe you’re the dominant one, and that’s just your nature, but you’d like to try out submission with the right guy sometime.
Howdy,
I have seen many couples struggle with this very thing, even my own girlfriend and myself are trying to find that balance that is required in any D/s relationship. We both found very early on that she was submissive, and i was clearly dominant, even when we tried to switch roles, it just seemed awkward.
I don’t see a need to maintain our roles anywhere but in each others company she can be quite fiery whenever she isnt submissive.
I agree that certain factions on both sides of the gender divide have struggled to force their ideas on people, who simply dont want them. I was raised to respect my girl, let her have her say, etc. however i found that she didnt want those things, she wanted to be controlled, and humiliated, though i still respect her, and trust her, i tend not to be so permissive. My friends have all realized that they dont enjoy letting their “significant others” get away with half as much as they do.
Thanks Master. It’s amazing how many people do what others expect of them, or even what they THINK others expect of them. They live lives catering to other people, and end up confused about themselves. It saddens me. Good to see you’re not doing that.
I don’t know how I found this blog, but I am a (sexually) submissive woman who has been on this journey for a short time – only recently learning these things about myself. Recently, I met a man I’m quite interested in, and he is with me as well. However, he has so much trepidation and reluctance about my need for a sexually dominant partner, its become distracting. He’s never had these thoughts, and I have second thoughts about asking him to ‘go there’ with me. When I came upon this thread, I felt like voila! I forwarded it to him to read – you’ve expressed it so much better than I could. Don’t know what he thinks yet – but I wish to compliment you on the blog. It’s enlightening and a delightful read. Of course, if he’s still ‘in the dark about this,’ well, we know — its not really for him.
All the best,
SM Maupin
Hi SM, thanks for leaving a comment. I would imagine that if a man is reluctant to be dominant, then he’s simply not dominant. Trying to become one wouldn’t really work if it’s not in him in the first place. He might try, to please you, but if he’s doing it to please you and not himself, he’s more submissive than dominant.
All the best with your journey. And thanks for the list of blogs in your blogroll, I’ve got a few more blogs to keep up with (including yours!).
I must admit that until a few days ago, my thoughts on Dominance and Submission were about the apparatus, I’d seen at a D/s club I visited, and the relationship of friends where the husband is dominant and the wife is definitely submissive. Then I met a submissive woman online and began a discussion and conversations with her. In the short time we’ve talked, I have developed a new appreciation for D/s, so much so that, in doing research, I found this site. I am certain I have a lot to learn, but the things I have learned so far, make sense. Those things, have even brought some clarity to many of the circumstances that have occurred in my marriage. The one concept I am having difficulty with is the societal norm of doing thing for and to her so that she is “satisfied”, vice allowing her to derive her satisfaction from the pleasure and satisfaction she gives to me. The circumstances are indeed enlightening, interesting, and somewhat troubling.
Thanks,
I-Opening
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I came across this thread while trying to conduct some sort of research about relationships and why we seem to completely ignore issues of dominance and submission. I think it is very important to know where you fit on the d/s scale and whether you have a compatible parter, and if not, what kind of traits a compatible partner might have.
I think that the notion of dominance/submission has gotten tangled up in the struggle for gender equality. Women have struggled to obtain equality under the law and men have struggled to accept this equality. Equality is wonderful, under the law. However, in the bedroom, and in relationships in general, I think that equality is far less important than things like trust, committment, affection, respect and acceptance.
These days, a woman who feels a tendancy to submit is taught to repress that tendancy. Somehow, she is seen as a traitor to the cause. Men who express dominant behaviour may be seen as throwbacks to that period of human history when women were not equal under the law. I think the social stigma associated with either of these types of behaviour is a lot like the social stigma attached to homosexuality.
What a shame and how hard it must be for people; society can be that way.
Thanks for commenting, DJ. I’m still trying to work out where I fit on the D scale (definitely not on the /s scale at all!), and I have to say it’s quite a fascinating adventure. Loving it so far!
I agree with you about gender equality and the confusion that’s resulted from it. I think D/s is often confused these days with masculine/feminine, and they get all mixed up.
A friend of mine thinks exactly what you said, that my attitude towards masculine/feminine and dominance/submission is a throwback to the 60’s, and he’s sad that I’m stuck in the past.
I’m sad that he’s confused.
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I’m glad you’re starting to understand yourself. (I really don’t mean that to sound condescending as it might; I think you know that.)
One thing I really want to emphasize to you, as a submissive herself, is that submissives are just as interested in their own pleasure as you are into yours. It just comes from a different source.
In other words, please don’t mistake a submissive woman as someone who doesn’t have her own needs at all. And don’t ignore those needs. If you really only care about your own desires and ignore all of hers, you’re an ass, not a dominant. (NOT that I think that’s the case here! It’s just something I’ve seen a lot of.)
Oh, one more thing. I really believe that submissiveness and dominance are equally distributed throughout all societies. Submissive Asian women are probably more comfortable in their own skin — their society encourages their natural tendencies. Less submissive women are probably unhappy.
The same works for Western women, in the opposite. It’s not “ok” for a Western woman to be submissive, even if that’s what’s natural for her. So it’s not as easy to see. The men I’ve dated have no doubt that I’m submissive, I’m sure. But I think that people that see me in “real” life would be very surprised. I have to hide that part of me if I want to be taken seriously in Western life.
Anyway, just wanted to point that out. I got my fingers crossed for you.