D/s

la dame sans merci I duotone

I guess it started a year ago, when that woman wanted to be my submissive. It started a series of events that ended up being all about my own evolution as a person.

I’ve been writing in this blog since 1998. That’s 12 years of online journaling and blogging. That’s 12 years of my life recorded in this blog. It’s gone through a number of transitions over that time, from different domains and different styles, but one thing has remained the same – it’s been an online record of my life for the past 12 years.

That’s pretty amazing.

Everyone grows, and 12 years holds a lot of growth. I used to be weak and pathetic, unable to even get a second date for 5 damn years! But all those experiences helped me grow into someone who didn’t have a problem getting a date or finding someone to actually spend time in a relationship with. All those relationships over the years have helped me work out what was best for me.

Back in 2006 I wrote a post called Live YOUR Life.

Live your life for yourself, respecting yourself and others along the way. Do what feels right for you. Don’t live your life according to what you believe others expect of you, whoever they might be. Live YOUR life.

Everything I do, and everything I advise others, is all about living the life that you want to live. Along the way I’ve been discovering all about my own life, and what I want from it, and from the women that I want to share it with. It’s been a struggle on occasions, but some of the best lessons are the hardest to learn.

We attract to us the people that we need to learn from. If we’re constantly growing and evolving as a person, then we’re going to need different people to help us at different times of our lives. Of course, the reverse is true too – if we’re not growing, then we’re not going to be able to find anyone to join us in a relationship, since relationship is all about growth.

I’ve certainly had my fair share of relationships over the years, but I’ve also grown a lot. I’m incredibly thankful for all those who came into my life to help me learn something new about myself, about other people, and about relationships, because without them I wouldn’t be where I am today.

And that’s the interesting question, isn’t it. Where am I today?

Well, it’s become clear to me over the past week that the BDSM lifestyle is something that suits me, particularly as a Dominant. I’ve been a Dominant for many years, but never knew it. I’ve loved being the dominant part of a relationship, and have always felt disturbed in some way by men giving up their masculinity to be the submissive part of their relationship.

I’ve been thinking about this a great deal, because it’s obviously very important to understand. Not just for me, but for others too. If I’m going to follow a particular path in my life, because I’m so open about it and what I do, people are going to ask me “Why the hell are you doing that???”

Issues of control and equality seem to be foremost in some people’s heads, and that’s a result of social conditioning. Society says “This is good,” and “This is bad.” And people who want to conform with society in order to be accepted will just take for granted that what society says is good and bad must be so.

They don’t think for themselves about what they want, and instead think about what they want within ‘the rules of society’. Like a good little member of society, they follow the rules set before them.

“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life…

But why would I want to do a thing like that?”
– Trainspotting

I can’t think of anything more soul-crushing than following the rules of a mind-numbing society that wants me to conform to what it thinks is best for me, and that’s been my evolutionary path – to find my own way.

From now on, this blog will continue to be the expression of my life, but as my sexuality evolves, so will I be discussing it on this blog.

I’ll be discussing things concerning BDSM, dominance, submission, inequality, control, etc… If this offends you, you absolutely have the right to be offended. But I absolutely have the right to live the life of my own choosing, and since this is my blog, and you have the choice of reading it or not, you have the right to stop reading it.

So, goodbye to the people who don’t want to be offended, who prefer to cling onto their mind-numbingly boring lives, following the conventional rules of life.

Hello to the rest of you!

I’d love to get to know you. Please drop a comment to say hi and introduce yourselves. Let’s enjoy our non-conventional lives together.

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I think it’s great when I get friends asking me questions, and I go into some detail to answer their question, and what happens? I get a blog post from it!

Question: regarding your ‘Dominant/submission’ interest, why do you feel the need to control women?

Answer: I don’t feel the need to control women. That’s not what ‘dominance’ is about. Instead, I feel the need to just be the dominant partner in a relationship.

I might need to explain the difference between dominance and control… The difference between a dominant man and a controlling man is whether or not he cares about consent. Consent to dominance must be given by the submissive. She must want to be dominated by him as much as he wants her to submit to him.

Control does not require consent, and a controlling partner is likely to be an abusive partner, while a dominant partner is more likely to be a loving partner.

Being the dominant part of a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship carries significant responsibility. If you’re the Dom, your submissive partner is giving themselves to you, and you choose to become responsible for their mental and physical wellbeing within the dynamics of the relationship that you both agree to participate in. Rules and behaviours expected from each member are established through extensive communication, and the responsibility of mutual care is far more important than most ‘vanilla’ (non-BDSM) relationships.

A Dominant (Dom) partner agrees and commits to the responsibility their submissive partner gives to them. They have as much ‘control’ as the sub lets them have, but the sub wants the Dom to push their limits, to be challenged. The dynamics of such D/s relationships are concerned with growth and mutual happiness, but attains this with methods that are usually completely different to ‘vanilla’ relationships.

Even in the so-called ‘vanilla’ relationships, people always practice dominance and submission. Two people having sex can not be on top at the same time. One is on top, one is on the bottom. One is dominating the experience, the other is submitting, and occasionally (or often) they switch places. (These terms are also common within BDSM: tops, bottoms and switches.)

Most vanilla relationships establish some form of dominance/submission pattern within the bedroom, while either engaging in equality outside the bedroom, or even being the opposite of who they are in the bedroom. For example, one partner might be submissive in the bedroom, but is the dominant member of the household (think about who ‘wears the pants’ in your relationship, and they’re the dominant partner). Or they’re submissive to their partner in the bedroom, while being the CEO of a large company.

Dominance and submission is a natural part of life. The BDSM lifestyle takes what many ‘vanilla’ people hide and keep secret, and instead lives it openly. Where most people are embarrassed to say “I’m dominant” or “I’m submissive” because of social taboos about dominance and submission, people in the BDSM lifestyle say “Frack you, I’ll be whatever the hell I want to be!”

What’s really interesting for me is that I’ve always been saying to people they should live their own life, do what they want to do, follow their heart, stop listening to others, and stop listening to what society tells them they should do. And yet I’ve been choosing to get involved in relationships that are what society tells me they should be. My practices have been inconsistent with my teachings.

When people start following their heart, they start moving away from the restrictions of a taboo-based society, and more into the path of what their true nature really is. When they listen to their heart, their authentic life starts to become available to them.

There is freedom in living how you feel is most natural for you, and there is slavery in allowing a society to dictate who you should be, and what you should be doing.

Consider exploring how you can follow your heart. I can guarantee you that it will change your life.

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I’m still here

8 March 2010

It’s been almost 2 months since I last wrote something.  I know, it needs to change.  It’s been many years since I last had such a period of time without writing. The reason for this break is pretty simple. I’ve simply been working and playing Eve Online when I’m not working (in between watching movies, […]

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Dominance and submission

3 July 2009

I’ve recently met a woman who wanted to be dominated, and she thought I would be a good candidate for that. I agreed with her. How’s that for an intro? 🙂 As this blog is about my life, I, of course, wanted to write about it, but I’ve had some difficulty with going about it. […]

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