Growth

Self-made men

July 13, 2009 · 0 comments

One of the things that is important to me is embracing masculinity. Men used to be men, but they’re not so much that any more. I try to encourage men to become more masculine, and embrace the essence of who they are. To stop being ‘girly men’, and just to be men.

To that end, I’d like any men interested in becoming more masculine to have a read of the following article I found on the Art of Manliness website.  Please enjoy.

Self-Made Men

By: Frederick Douglass

fred1That there is, in more respects than one, something like a stoicism in this title, I freely admit. Properly speaking, there are in the world no such men as self-made men. That term implies an individual independence of the past and present which can never exist,

Our best and most valued acquisitions have been obtained either from our contemporaries or from those who have preceded us in the field of thought and discovery. We have all either begged, borrowed, or stolen. We have reaped where others have sown, and that which others have strown, we have gathered. It must in truth be said, though it may not accord well with self-conscious individuality and self-conceit, that no possible native force of character, and no depth of wealth and originality, can lift a man into absolute independence of his fellowmen, and no generation of men can be independent of the preceding generation. The brotherhood and interdependence of mankind are guarded and defended at all points. . .

Nevertheless, the title of my lecture is eminently descriptive of a class and is, moreover, a fit and convenient one for my purpose, in illustrating the idea which I have in view…Self-made men are the men who, under peculiar difficulties and without the ordinary helps of favoring circumstances, have attained knowledge, usefulness, power and position and  have learned from themselves the best uses to which life can be put in this world, and in the exercises of these uses to build up worthy character. They are the men who owe little or nothing to birth, relationship, or friendly surroundings; to wealth inherited or to early approved means of education; who are what they are, without the aid of any favoring conditions by which other men usually rise in the world and achieve great results. . . They are in a peculiar sense indebted to themselves for themselves. If they have traveled far, they have made the road on which they have travelled. If they have ascended high, they have built their own ladder . . . Such men as these, whether found in one position or another, whether in the college or in the factory; whether professors or plowmen; whether Caucasian or Indian; whether Anglo-Saxon or Anglo-African, are self-made men and are entitled to a certain measure of respect for their success and for proving to the world the grandest possibilities of human nature, of whatever variety of race or color.

Though a man of this class need not claim to be a hero or to be worshipped as such, there is genuine heroism in his struggle and something of sublimity and glory in his triumph. Every instance of such success is an example and help to humanity. It, better than any mere assertion, gives us assurance of the latent powers and resources of simple and unaided manhood. It dignifies labor, honors application, lessens pain and depression, dispels gloom from the brow of the destitute and weariness from the heart of him about to faint, and enables man to take hold of the roughest and flintiest hardships incident to the battle of life, with a lighter heart, with higher hopes and a larger courage.

The Theory of Self-Made Men

The various conditions of men and the different uses they make of their powers and opportunities in life, are full of puzzling contrasts and contradictions. Here, as elsewhere, it is easy to dogmatize, but it is not so easy to define, explain and demonstrate. The natural laws for the government, well-being and progress of mankind, seem to be equal and are equal; but the subjects of these laws everywhere abound in inequalities, discords, and contrast. We cannot have fruit without flowers, but we often have flowers without fruit. The promise of youth often breaks down in manhood, and real excellence often comes unheralded and from unexpected quarters.

The scene presented from this view is as a thousand arrows shot from the same point and aimed at the same object. United in aim, they are divided in flight. Some fly too high, others too low. Some go to the right, others to the left. Some fly too far, and others, not far enough, and only a few hit the mark. Such is life. United in the quiver, they are divided in the air. Matched when dormant, they are unmatched in action.

When we attempt to account for greatness we never get nearer to the truth than did the greatest of poets and philosophers when he classified the conditions of greatness: “Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.” We may take our choice of these three separate explanations and make which of them we please, most prominent in our discussion. Much can certainly be said of superior mental endowments, and I should on some accounts, lean strongly to that theory, but for numerous examples which seem, and do, contradict it, and for the depressing tendency such a theory must have on humanity generally.

This theory has truth in it, but it is not the whole truth. Men of very ordinary faculties have, nevertheless, made a very respectable way in the world and have sometimes presented even brilliant examples of success. On the other hand, what is called genius is often found by the wayside, a miserable wreck; the more deplorable and shocking because from the height from which it has fallen and the loss and ruin involved in the fall. . .

I do not think much of the good luck theory of self-made men. It is worth but little attention and has no practical value. An apple carelessly flung into a crowd may hit one person, or it may hit another, or it may hit nobody. The probabilities are precisely the same in this accident theory of self-made men.  It divorces a man from his own achievements, contemplates him as a being of chance and leaves him without will, motive, ambition and aspiration. Yet the accident theory is among the most popular theories of individual success. It has about it the air of mystery which the multitudes so well like, and withal, it does something to mar the complacency of the successful.

It is one of the easiest and commonest things in the world for a successful man to be followed in his career through life and to have constantly pointed out this or that particular stroke of good fortune which fixed his destiny and made him successful. If not ourselves great, we like to explain why others are so. We are stingy in our praise to merit, but generous in our praise to chance. Besides, a man feels himself measurably great when he can point out the precise moment and circumstance which made his neighbor great. He easily fancies that the slight difference between himself and his friend is simply one of luck. It was his friend who was lucky but it might easily have been himself. Then too, the next best thing to success is a valid apology for non-success. Detraction is, to many, a delicious morsel. The excellence which it loudly denies to others it silently claims for itself. It possesses the means of covering the small with the glory of the great. It adds to failure that which it takes from success and shortens the distance between those in front and those in the rear. Even here there is an upward tendency worthy of notice and respect. The kitchen is ever the critic of the parlor. The talk of those below is of those above. We imitate those we revere and admire.

But the main objection to this very comfortable theory is that, like most other theories, it is made to explain too much. While it ascribes success to chance and friendly circumstances, it is apt to take no cognizance of the very different uses to which different men put their circumstances and their chances.

Fortune may crowd a man’s life with fortunate circumstances and happy opportunities, but they will, as we all know, avail him nothing unless he makes a wise and vigorous use of them. It does not matter that the wind is fair and the tide at its flood, if the mariner refuses to weigh his anchor and spread his canvas to the breeze. The golden harvest is ripe in vain if the farmer refuses to reap. Opportunity is important but exertion is indispensable. . .

When we find a man who has ascended heights beyond ourselves; who has a broader range of vision than we and a sky with more stars in it in than we have in ours, we may know that he has worked harder, better and more wisely than we. He was awake while we slept. He was busy while we were idle and was wisely improving his time and talents while we were wasting ours . . .

I am certain that there is nothing good, great or desirable which man can possess in this world, that does not come by some kind of labor of physical or mental, moral or spiritual. A man, at times, gets something for nothing, but it will, in his hands, amount to nothing. What is true in the world of matter, is equally true in the world of the mind. Without culture there can be no growth; without exertion, no acquisition; without friction, no polish; without labor, no knowledge; without action, no progress and without conflict, no victory. A man that lies down a fool at night, hoping that he will waken wise in the morning, will rise up in the morning as he laid down in the evening. …

From these remarks it will be evident that, allowing only ordinary ability and opportunity, we may explain success mainly by one word and that word is WORK! WORK!! WORK!!! WORK!!!! Not transient and fitful effort, but patient, enduring, honest, unremitting and indefatigable work into which the whole heart is put, and which, in both temporal and spiritual affairs, is the true miracle worker. Everyone may avail himself of this marvelous power, if he will. There is no royal road to perfection. Certainly no one must wait for some kind of friend to put a springing board under his feet, upon which he may easily bound from the first round of their ladder onward and upward to its highest round. If he waits for this, he may wait long, and perhaps forever. He who does not think himself worth saving from poverty and ignorance by his own efforts, will hardly be thought worth the efforts of anybody else.

The lesson taught at this point by human experience is simply this, that the man who will get up will be helped up; and the man who will not get up will be allowed to stay down. This rule may appear somewhat harsh, but in its general application and operation it is wise, just and beneficent. I know of no other rule which can be substituted for it without bringing social chaos. Personal independence is a virtue and it is the soul out of which comes the sturdiest manhood. But there can be no independence without a large share of self-dependence, and this virtue cannot be bestowed. It must be developed from within. . .

In the idea of exertion, of course fortitude and perseverance are included. We have all met a class of men, very remarkable for their activity, and who yet make but little headway in life; men who, in their noisy and impulsive pursuit of knowledge, never get beyond the outer bark of an idea, from a lack of patience and perseverance to dig to the core; men who begin everything and complete nothing; who see, but do not perceive; who read, but forget what they read, and are as if they had not read; who travel but go nowhere in particular, and have nothing of value to impart when they return. Such men may have greatness thrust upon them but they never achieve greatness. …

But in this awarding praise to industry, as the main agency in the production and culture of self-made men, I do not exclude other factors of the problem. I only make them subordinate. Other agencies cooperate but this is the principal one and the one without which all others would fail.

But another element of the secret of success deserves a word. That element is order, systematic endeavor. We succeed, not alone by the laborious exertions of our faculties, be they small or great, but by the regular, thoughtful and systematic exercise of them. Order, the first law of heaven, is itself a power. The battle is nearly lost when your lines are in disorder. Regular, orderly and systematic effort which moves without friction and needless loss of time or power; which has a place for everything and everything in its place; which knows just where to begin, how to proceed and where to end, though marked by no extraordinary outlay of energy of activity, will work wonders, not only in the matter of accomplishment, but also in the increase of the ability of the individual. It will make the weak man strong and the strong man stronger; the simple man wise and the wise man, wiser and will insure success by the power and influence that belong to habit . . .

There is still another element essential to success, and that is, a commanding object and a sense of its importance. The vigor of the action depends upon the power of the motive. . . Work is not often undertaken for its own sake. The worker is conscious of an object worthy of effort, and works for that object; not for what he is to it, but for what it is to him. All are not moved by the same objects. Happiness is the object of some. Wealth and fame are the objects of others. But wealth and fame are beyond the reach of the majority of men, and thus, to them, these are not motive-impelling objects. Happily, however, personal, family and neighborhood well-being stand near to us all and are full of lofty inspirations to earnest endeavor, if we would but respond to their influence.

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Acceptance

When I went to a ‘find your purpose’ seminar a month ago, one of the things that I got from it was that I need to practice acceptance in order to move forward with my purpose.  Acceptance has been a problem in my life.  I have trouble accepting other people, situations, or even myself.  I have trouble accepting the world for what it is, and want it to be different.  I have trouble accepting myself for what I am, and want to be different.

While wanting things to be different can be a worthy desire, it prevents acceptance of how things are right now.  We want change because ‘how things are’ makes us unhappy.  We don’t want to be unhappy, so we want things – and people – to change around us.

What we’re really doing is avoiding responsibility for our own perceptions and beliefs.

We need to look at what we’re unhappy with.  Is it another person?  Why do they make us unhappy?  Is it because they’re imposing upon our beliefs of what is ‘right’?  So if we had different beliefs, would they continue to impose themselves on the different beliefs?  Unlikely.

Here’s an example.  I think that a great majority of the US police force is without any ethical or moral considerations towards the people they’re supposed to be protecting.  This results from my belief in individual freedom and independence.  This belief is challenged by seeing the police trample all over people’s freedom and independence.

Now, I’ve recently realised that my belief in freedom and independence comes from having my own freedom and independence trampled on by my parents when I was a child.  Seeing it occur around the world only reminds me of my own childhood, and becomes an emotional trigger point for me.

So how can I change my beliefs about freedom and independence so that the actions of the US police does not impact any emotional trigger?

Well, upon realising the origins of my belief, I can understand that my anger at oppression is simply an anger about my own oppressed childhood.  This anger is at my parents for their actions against me.  But if I can forgive them for those actions, because they didn’t know the effect it would have on me, then I can move a long way towards letting go of that anger.

By not having the anger in me, I won’t be emotionally triggered by similar events that I witness around the world.

You see, when we’re angry at something outside ourselves, it’s only telling us that we’re angry about something that’s already inside of us.  When we can let go of that internal anger about something in our past, we can let go of anger at what’s outside of us.

This is part of the work I’m doing with myself at the moment, to work towards acceptance.

Apologising

I discovered last night that I resent apologising to people if I’ve upset them.  There’s a very complicated reason for this.  It again goes back to my childhood.

Most of our issues stem from what happened to us as a child, and how we were affected by our parents.

From as far back as I can remember, my mum blamed me for her unhappy life.  If I wasn’t born, she would have never had to have married my father, but their one-night stand resulted in her getting pregnant with me, and dad ‘did the right thing’, which meant they got married.  It wasn’t the life my mum imagined for herself though, so she blamed me.

This was because she was unable to accept responsibility for her own choices, but as a small child growing up with her constant barrage that her miserable life was my fault, it caused an emotional reaction in me.

At first, as a small child, I felt guilty.  I felt like I should apologise for being born.  I felt it was my fault that she was unhappy.  She was my mother, and mothers don’t lie to their children, right?  To the mind of a small child, what your parents say must be TRUTH.  It was TRUE that I was responsible for her miserable life.

As I grew into a teenager, I became resentful of her constant blaming of me for her misery.  I knew I wasn’t responsible, but she tried to make me responsible, and I resented her for it.  It made me angry, but then I was punished for the expression of my anger or emotions, which resulted in passive aggressive tendencies into my adult years – but that’s another story, having already been told.

As an adult, I came to understand that I wasn’t responsible for her choices.  I understood that she was unable to accept responsibility for her own choices, and she had to instead blame others. It made her feel ‘better’, at other people’s expense.  Her children were a safe target for her, because they couldn’t point out to her that she was fooling herself.

Understanding it, however, was only at an intellectual level, and not an emotional level.

In my late 20’s I heard someone quote a saying, which rang true for me. 

“I’m not here to cater to other people’s insecurities.”

It meant to me that whatever issues people around me had that resulted from their insecurities, I was not responsible for catering to them.  It felt good to have this attitude, because it freed me from being responsible for their issues, and for my mum’s issues.

Some people in my life have needed apologies from me when they’ve been upset at something I’ve said or done.  This caused resentment in me, but I never really knew why – until last night.

Here’s my thoughts on what apologising means to me.

If something I say or do has upset someone, it’s because it has reminded them of something from their own past which they don’t like.  Their past experience hurt them, and when I inadvertantly remind them of that past experience, they feel the hurt again – of that past experience.  But because it’s associated with what I said or did, they make me responsible for it.  “You hurt me,” they say, or “You made me feel this way.” They want me to apologise for hurting them, or causing the feelings in them.

But apologising for something is an acceptance of responsibility.  How am I responsible for the feelings a person has for an event that I was never part of?  If I was to apologise for hurting them now, then I am taking responsibility for the original event in their life that caused that hurt in the first place.  The hurt was already there, I just triggered its’ conscious release all over again.  Am I responsible for the hurt?  No.

Having them require an apology so that I accept responsibility for their feelings, makes me resentful of them.  It makes me feel like they cannot accept responsibility for their own feelings.  It makes me feel like my mum is active in them, and it makes me angry.

Over the years I’ve attracted people into my life that needed me to apologise to them, for me to take responsibility for their feelings.  Realising this has allowed me to understand that I’ve still felt apologetic to my mum for having been born.  I’ve attracted people that let me continue apologising.  On occasions, I’ve even apologised for things I didn’t need to apologise for.

Having it drummed into me as a child by my mum that I’m responsible for her feelings has made me subconsciously believe I’m responsible for everyone’s feelings if they interact with me and get pissed off or upset.

I’ve been willing to give apologies if I think I upset someone, but if they WANT an apology, it’s made me resentful of them for wanting me to be responsible for their feelings.

It’s a crazy, mixed up mind I’ve had.

So what do I do now?

I feel that I can only apologise to someone if I’ve done something I recognise is hurtful.  But if I’ve done something that only reminds a person of their past hurt, I can only be sympathetic to their pain, but I cannot accept responsibility for what happened in their past, that didn’t involve me.

This is something for me to work on.

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Everything is changing, again

7 May 2009

There’s all kinds of changes going on in my life right now. So many, I just don’t know where to start! I’ll try to summarise… My contract was extended during April for another month, but then someone changed their mind and thought they had a better idea, so they cancelled the extension. My last day […]

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Connecting On Purpose

23 April 2009

I went to a seminar on the weekend in Sydney, to ‘find my Purpose’. I’m quite passionate in my life about helping people grow, but wanted some clarity on how I’m meant to do that, so off I went to the seminar. I got a lot more than I expected. As soon as I first […]

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Growing out of passive aggression

6 August 2008

When I started learning about passive aggression, one of the things that stood out for me was that wherever I looked, all the 'experts' were telling me that passive aggression cannot be cured, and that all they can do is hope to control it. I'm not so sure that's true. What are some of the […]

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What’s my personal brand?

20 February 2008

Over here, Steve Pavlina discusses personal branding, which is "how you market yourself to the world. Your personal brand is what other people think of you." He also asked his audience to do him a favour, to send him three adjectives that they feel describe him. I thought that's a great idea, and I want […]

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Disciplining kids

10 November 2005

I hate watching tv. I never watch it – unless it distracts me when someone else is watching it. Eg. Deidre. Tonight there was a show about a 'supernanny' helping a couple change the habits of their 4 kids. This show is about kids being little demons, completely uncontrollable, absolute little shits. I'm sure you […]

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Tips on being more creative

20 October 2005

I'm always interested in ways of improving myself and doing things better, and for that reason I'm often looking out for ways of improving myself. Here's something I found that I thought interesting, and maybe you'll find it interesting too. 1. Ignore everybody. The more original your idea is, the less good advice other people […]

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Respect

19 October 2005

Up until I met Deidre early this year I had spent a couple of years dating mainly asian women, as I had come to feel that western women just didn't have the attitude I was looking for in a relationship or in a partner. I had a number of experiences and realisations in my life […]

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Where’s your damn balls!

13 July 2005

There's a guy at work who just started seeing one of the ladies there. He was invited out for a beer but he said he had to talk to his girlfriend first. They spoke on the phone, and he was pleading with her to let him go for just one beer. In the end he […]

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