Humor

Save The Planet

January 12, 2010 · 1 comment

I just thought I’d put up a transcript of a live performance by George Carlin, a fantastic comedian who unfortunately died in 2008.  He had some interesting views, and it was refreshing that on this one, he agrees with me.

🙂

You got people like this around you? Country is full of them now! People walking around all day long, every minute of the day — worried about EVERYTHING! Worried about the air, worried about the water, worried about the soil. Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens; worried about radon gas; worried about asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.

Let me tell you about endangered species, all right? Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control Nature! It’s arrogant meddling! It’s what got us into trouble in the first place! Doesn’t anybody understand that? Interfering with Nature! Over 90 percent.. over… way over 90 percent of all the species that have ever lived — EVER LIVED — on this planet are gone. Whissshht! They are extinct!

We didn’t kill them ALL.

They just… disappeared! That’s what Nature does! They disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day, and I mean regardless of our behavior. Irrespective of how we act on this planet, 25 species that were here today, will be gone tomorrow! Let them go… gracefully! Leave Nature alone! Haven’t we done enough?

We’re so self-important. So self-important! Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees; save the bees; save the whales; save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all, “Save the planet.” WHAT? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven’t learned how to care for one another, we’re gonna save the fucking planet?

I’m getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. Tired! I’m tired of fucking Earth Day! I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. They don’t care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We’ve been here, what? A hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we’re a threat? That somehow we’re gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that’s just a-floatin’ around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles; hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors; worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages… And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet… the planet… the planet isn’t going anywhere. WE ARE!

We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet will be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

You wanna know how the planet is doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, “How the planet’s doing?” You wanna know if the planet’s all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room!

The planet will be here for a long, long — LONG — time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself; it will cleanse itself, because that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover; the earth will be renewed; and, if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the Earth plus plastic! The Earth doesn’t share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth. The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question, “Why are we here?” “Plastic! Assholes.”

So! So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that it has already started, don’t you? I think, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And I am sure the planet will defend itself in the manner of a large organism, like a beehive or an ant colony, and muster a defense. I am sure the planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky, troublesome species? “Let’s see… What might… Hmm.. Viruses! Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh…viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.”

Well, that’s a poetic note. And it’s a start. And I can dream, can’t I? See I don’t worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we’re part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron…whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn’t punish; it doesn’t reward; it doesn’t judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

Thanks for being here with me for a little while tonight!

{ 1 comment }

I see stupid people

October 12, 2008 · 1 comment

We see them all around us, stupid people doing stupid things. I’ve decided to write a list of the stupid things that I’ve seen people do, and as I see more stupid people doing stupid things, I’ll update this list. If you have examples of some really stupid things that you’ve seen people do, please tell me about them in the comments. We’ll have my list, and we’ll have your list (the readers of this blog).

  • I saw a man putting petrol in his car at a service station. While holding the pump with one hand, he had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and was talking to someone on his cellphone.
  • A man stopped in a roundabout in front of me while driving, so that he could give way to his left (you give way to the right in Australia, not the left). He drove a Volvo.
  • I was in the right-hand lane in a 2-lane freeway, slowly overtaking someone while about 3 car lengths behind a truck, that was going at the same speed as me. Someone screamed up behind me, flashed his lights that he wanted to get past, so I pulled over. He sped past me and then slammed on the brakes as he almost hit the back of the truck in front of him. I guess speeding to get 20 feet in front of me was pretty important to him.

More coming soon as I update this. Isn’t it interesting that we see so many stupid people behind the steering wheel of cars.

What about you? Do you have any stories of stupid people that you’ve seen?

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Numa Numa

9 February 2008

About three years ago, back in 2005, there was a video put onto the internet by a young guy who was miming to the Romanian song, 'Numa Numa'. I really don't understand how it became the most popular video on the internet, but it did. To Deidre and I, it was popular for us because […]

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Borat

26 January 2008

Deidre's watching Borat on Foxtel. I started screaming again at the naked wrestling in the hotel room…. That's all I'll say about that.

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Email Memories of 2005

24 November 2005

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies […]

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How to make your asian girlfriend eternally happy

31 October 2005

I found this on a random internet page somewhere, and just had to post it. I don't completely agree with it, but I can see how some people would. But anyway, I thought it was funny. 🙂 Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number two rule follows. […]

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That sound

30 October 2005

Deidre and I went out on a date on Friday night, going to dinner and then to see a movie (we saw "In Her Shoes", which I thought was quite good). During the movie I heard something. Pppfffftt That sound. You know the one. Of 'escaping wind'. This is something I've gotten used to, as […]

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Intimate connections…. hahahahahaha!

19 October 2005

Ok, I found this and I laughed my little arse off. I laughed and laughed… Now that I've calmed down a bit from all the laughing I've been doing, let me explain it to you. It's a woman's vibrator that's like a 'bullet'. It's inserted into that place where these vibrator thingies are inserted, and… […]

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Beginner’s Guide to American Politics

18 October 2005

Thanks to this site: Your president is George W. Bush. He lives in the White House. He doesn't actually do anything except act as a figurehead for American politics, which is kind of embarrassing. I know we all could think of someone a lot more impressive to show as our leader, but American voters screwed […]

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Funny resignation letter!

29 September 2005

A friend of mine has recently resigned from their place of part-time employment, where they were working as a bouncer. With their permission, I've put a copy of their resignation letter in here, because it's just so darn funny! There comes a time in every man's life where the animalistic urges subside to the desires […]

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