I found this, and I thought it was an excellent guide for any potential and future partner(s) of me.  Here it is for your reading pleasure…

This is one INTP’s definition of the needs of an INTP as a spouse or mate. The original author’s version was written for the INTP Husband. However, it appears from later discussion that INTP Women want the same things. So, with a bit of editorial license this is the guide to the INTP mate.

1. Lots of sex
I dont think it is just me as an INTP who finds this a very important part of a relationship and the most important physical expression of love in a relationship – it is NOT a selfish act for selfish physical satisfaction. But hell, it is damn pleasing, too

2. Moral support
It is a tough world out there for INTPs

3. An equal
INTPs have no wish to dominate, and are crushed by domination

4. Someone who is next to unoffendable.
INTPs tend to lack tact, but also want and need to be brutally honest with thier intimate partners – they want someone who they can playfully insult, who will then either laugh in their face or give it right back.

5. Someone who can accept them for who they are and not try to change them.
INTPs appear erratic to the casual observer in a relationship, for example – they appear to demand solitude one moment, sex the next. Non-INTPs find this VERY hard to reconcile with their typical conception of “love”

6. Someone who accepts the peculiar WAYS they show thier love.
Be it really, really sappy hopless-romantic type drivel or passionate physical expression, or just a touch or a simple look. The INTP way is very hard to catch, if you blink, you miss it. Non-INTPs tend to want tokens and words, not a slow dance in a room with no radio, not a quiet cuddle in front of the TV at the end of the day, or the other strange and random expressions that INTPs tend to give. [This ties in with #5.]

7. SPACE [as in both physical and emotional space]
In case it was missed, I’ll mention it again: SPACE!! INTP men need their free time to pursue intellectual pursuits, and CAN NOT be:

  • disturbed
  • told they dont love thier partner because they spend too much time “alone”, etc.

INTP men disappear for a while, then come out swinging. This FORCES most non-INTPs to think that the INTP partner only wants them for sex. This is wrong, but if the non-INTP is not capable of #5 and #6, they are forced to believe it.

8. Comforting [this goes along with #2.]
The world sucks, particularly for INTPs. They are capable of an utterly staggering amount of patience and responsibility, but in the long run, without #2 and #8, the relationship will ultimately die, or the INTP will DIE a very real death. With #2 and #8, an INTP can take a spectacular amount of abuse, responsibility, and patience in life, as long as his partner supplies #2 and #8 in sufficient quantities.

9. An intellect, a person who can hold their own in a debate.
The words “you always think you are right!!” are the LAST words an INTP wants to hear from their mate. The INTP wants debate! Wants intellectual stimulation! If they dont get it at home, #7 becomes very very very important. If their mate can not handle #7, there will be PROBLEMS. If the mate can supply #9, the INTP will be very happily occupied with their mate for a long, long time.

10. Someone to learn with [this goes with #9]
Someone who is interested in learning and intellectual stimulation. The INTP needs someone who they can learn with and enjoy the mysteries and adventures of life with. Someone who can understand their interest in the esoteric, show appreciation for their interests, and even join them in these interests, or introduce them to new ones.

11. Someone capable of self reflection and self analysis.
Often the INTP finds that they are the only one “growing” in a relationship, the only one who can see the problems in the relationship. This usually forces the INTP to be the one to change, to be the one to compromise for their partner. Because many non-INTPs have no true ability to self reflect, the non-INTP thinks they are ALWAYS right. The INTP spends their life examining themselves and their relationship to see what they need to do to make it work. So they spend all their time critically analyzing it, and the mate does nothing but demand that they change. This will eventually lead to the spiritual DEATH of the INTP, if not the actual PHYSICAL death of the INTP. To avoid this, the INTP person NEEDS a mate who can examine the relationship WITH them, so they can grow TOGETHER.


More on Polyamory

January 27, 2009 · 14 comments

I’ve mentioned in the past that I’m intrigued by the concept of Polyamory, the relationship choice where you love whoever you feel like loving, rather than the ‘one at a time’ love that western society seems to dictate. While I’ve not had the opportunity to practice it yet, it’s a lifestyle choice that fits what I feel is absolutely right. 🙂

I was reading something about my Myer-Briggs personality type (INTP) and Polyamory, and the following part of the discussion caught my interest:

I think polyamory is a relationship style that may have specific benefits for INTPs…

Traditional relationships are based on exclusivity, paucity and ownership. Even if brides are no longer bought and sold in most cultures, the underlying paradigm has changed little. And it is simply cruel to our biology.

If one isn’t comfortable with the tradition, if the whole idea of exclusive emotional and sexual possession just doesn’t sit right with you, what are you left with? That term Forsaken… why should anyone be forsaken.

Anyway, I think INTPs are one of the types most likely to be least comfortable with being anyone else’s possession, or with having the sole responsibility for another’s happiness. I know I’m not. I need to ignore people for long periods of time. I must be responsive to my own needs.

I want my independence and I want to live within my own space on my own terms. I want to take responsibility for myself. Why should that exclude me though from having satisfying sexual relationships.

Living in a sexually possessive society that is flagrant in it’s encultured abuse of sexuality… all the double-standards, all the deceit. Bleh. If for no other reason than polyamory is at least honest and accepting of our nature, and more reflective of the innate INTP nature particularly, I hold it in high regard.

Who woulda thought that my interest in Polyamory was related to my personality type? I guess it goes without saying, really, but I just never thought of it that way before.

So I can sort of understand now why so many other personality types are dead-set against it. Those personality types that require formality and ‘ownership’ would be very much against having more than one loving partner, since they wouldn’t be able to ‘own’ their partner. It violates everything that they think is right.

And so we have the conflicts that would occur between those who believe in ownership, and those who believe in freedom.

But please, don’t tell me that marriage is not about ownership. You have a ‘contract’ between two people that is legally binding by the government! Just like you have a contract for owning any other kind of asset, like a house or a car, or even a business contract.

I was having a conversation about polyamory with a friend of mine recently, and it was his adamant and vehement opinion that anyone who even considers loving more than one person at a time should be castrated, if not outright executed.

I couldn’t grasp how killing someone would be preferable to having them love more than one person. I still can’t. How is their death better than them loving more than one person? And yet so many people feel this way. They would rather kill people than let them live a life of their own choosing, loving people, and hurting no one.  But apparently they deserve to die for this.

What a society we live in. Honestly, it disgusts me.

Anyway, Steve Pavlina has discovered that polyamory is a concept that resonates with him too:

What appeals to me about polyamory is that it’s a way for people to learn to share love and connection without trying to possess each other. It feels a lot more free and open to me than a closed marriage situation.

He, too, has experienced the negative feedback from those around him. And considering he has an audience of millions of people per month, the feedback he gets is multiplied beyond anything the rest of us might get:

Most of the negative feedback … is so far out of sync with reality, I can’t even relate to it. There’s just no shred of truth to grasp because such feedback has nothing to do with us whatsoever. The best response I can offer these fear-mongers is a eye roll. Maybe for good measure, I can add, “Oh, please. Get real.”

What I’m interested in seeing is how our society is going to change over the next few months or years as a result of such a high-profile individual exploring polyamory for himself. He’s a leading personal growth expert on the internet, and has millions of people reading his every word. With him saying ‘hey, this is ok!’, we’re probably going to start seeing a lot more people exploring it too.

This is good for a single guy like me, looking for other open-minded women to spend my time with, in whatever capacity that might end up being.

Just as an example… Deidre and I still love each other, and still share hugs and occasional kisses. We remain very fond of each other, and there is definitely a lot of love still there between us. But we’re not intimate, we’re not partners, and we don’t plan a life together any more.

We’ve discussed the fact that anyone that comes into our lives in the future will need to understand and accept that we still love each other, but we don’t have any ‘ownership’ claims on each other. And our feelings towards each other will be the same even when we’re with other people.

Well, actually… I guess time will tell. My feelings have been the same when Deidre has gone out dating, but Deidre’s feelings haven’t been tested that way yet.

Her personality is one where ‘ownership’ is what feels right to her, and it’s entirely possible that she subconsciously thinks that ownership is still there because I’m not seeing anyone else. How will she react when I do, and she actually understands she doesn’t ‘own’ me any more?

Oh, and these are considerations that are important to me because I still do love her (without needing an intimate relationship with her), and we’re still living together as flatmates. Any emotional impact on our living arrangements and the relationship we currently share is going to be important.

Like anything in relationships, communication is the key. If there are any issues, we’ll talk about it at great length.  She’ll either accept it and hold onto the love, or she’ll realise her love can only ever be conditional on ‘ownership’, and the love will fade.

It would be very sad if it did fade, but that’s the way life is.

Back to the topic at hand, that my personality type is more suited to polyamory because of my desire for individual freedom, and open, honest love.

I guess my ideal partner(s) in the future are going to be very similar to me in terms of personality. They’ll enjoy time to themselves, while appreciating those times when they can share their lives with whoever they’re with, and they’ll have no interest in ‘owning’ their partners.

Jealousy will be alien to them, as it is to me, because they’ll understand that since they don’t own a loved one, they don’t actually lose anything when that loved one also loves someone else. As long as they’re getting some love too, of course. If not, then they’re more likely to be annoyed than jealous, and rightly so!

Interesting times. This is going to be a great year for my growth, experiences and adventures!


I’m an ‘Analytical Thinker’

9 December 2008

I’m an ‘analytical thinker’, it seems. Who woulda thought??     It’s pretty accurate too. I’ll just refer to a few statements from the website about my personality… Analytical Thinkers are reserved, quiet persons. They like to get to the bottom of things – curiosity is one of their strongest motives Analytical Thinkers like to […]

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100 things about me

20 March 2008

Others are doing it, so I thought I would too. Besides, it’s fun (although challenging) to write, and maybe it’ll be fun for you to read. So here’s 100 things about me. 1. I started working when I was 15, sweeping floors and stacking shelves in a variety store. 2. I stole a packet of […]

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Ideal career satisfaction for your personality type

13 December 2006

You can find out an idea of what the ideal career satisfactions for your personality type is here: Ideal careers for your personality type As an INFP, career satisfaction means doing work that: Is in harmony with my own personal values and beliefs and allows me to express my vision through my work. Gives me […]

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The personality types

23 November 2006

If you have learnt what your MBTI personality type is then you can find out more about it by clicking on the relevent link below. ISTJ – The Duty Fulfillers ESTJ – The Guardians ISFJ – The Nurturers ESFJ – The Caregivers ISTP – The Mechanics ESTP – The Doers ESFP – The Performers ISFP […]

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Hanging with an INFP

23 November 2006

I’m an INFP. It stands for Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving, or Introverted Feeling with Extroverted Intuition. I pronounce it as inf-pah. I’m an infpah… Since INFP’s make up about 1-4% (it varies with source) of the general population, we’re a pretty rare bunch of people. INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world and […]

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My personality

6 July 2006

Over here I’ve talked about my personality type being an INFP. Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and […]

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The journey (holiday!) begins

9 December 2005

I’m sitting on the plane right now, at 34,000 feet somewhere over the water between NZ and Australia. This is the first time I’ve used the laptop actually on a plane, and there just ain’t enough room to ‘spread my wings’, so I’m doing this painful two finger typing instead of the normal, relaxed touch […]

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Relationship types

4 August 2005

My personality type is: INFP – Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceptive. Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping […]

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